Detergent
by SilverEyeShinobi
Summary: Because it had to be done. Crackfic.


**A/N: I don't know, okay? I really don't know...**

Detergent

It had to be done. It was a simple thing really. The city was a mess, and Tris just wanted it to be cleaned up.

From the janitor's closet in the Dauntless compound, Tris grabbed a mop, several brooms, a squeegee and a bottle of cleaning detergent.

"Tris, what are you doing?"

Tris turned and smiled. "Hey Tobias! I'm going to clean up the city. Want to help?"

"You're...going to clean up the city." He gave her a look as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

Tris nodded. "Yup!" She seemed so proud of herself that Tobias couldn't bring himself to scold her, or even tell her that it was hopeless. She'd be cleaning for days, and days. Months and years. There was no way she could clean the whole city with a single bottle of detergent.

Tris walked through the Dauntless compound with her cleaning supplies. As she rounded a corner, she nearly walked smack into Uriah, one of the Dauntless born initiates.

"Tris." He said in surprise, his eyes darting up and down her armful of cleaning supplies. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to clean up the city! Want to help?" Tris asked.

"Uh, Tris...That's kind of impossible."

"What do you mean it's impossible?" She pouted.

"The city is _huge_ Tris. You'll never do it alone."

"Exactly!" She shoved a broom into his hands. "That's why you're going to help!"

"Wait, what?" Uriah seemed confused as he was dragged through the compound. Tris ignored his protests, humming merrily to herself. Uriah gave up and decided that maybe the city did need cleaning up. "I'll get more soap." He stated, re routing and heading for another closet.

"Thanks Uriah!" Tris skirted the halls, searching for more Dauntless to recruit. She spotted Marlene and Lynn who were having a friendly game of rock paper scissors in the corner of a hallway.

"Marlene! Lynn!" Tris called, waving a mop around.

"Tris?" Marlene stared at her in confusion. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to clean up the city! You should help me!" Tris cooed, as if this were the best idea she'd ever come up with. "Uriah's helping me too!"

Marlene grinned. "Okay! I'll help."

Lynn groaned her annoyance, but didn't complain. "Fine."

"Oooh, I should get Abnegation to help as well...Surely they'll help!" Tris said to herself.

"I FEEL LIKE A BOSS!"

Tris turned to see Uriah walking towards them with a bucket on his head, a bottle of detergent balanced right on top. He was waving a bag of sponges around like a trophy.

Tris, Lynn and Marlene all laughed at Uriah's antics. As they walked through the Dauntless compound, people stared at Uriah curiously.

"Going to clean up the city!" Uriah cried. "Come join us!"

To Tris's surprise, over half of the Dauntless compound joined in the march of the mops, buckets and detergent, all ready to clean up the city. Tris whistled a merry tune as she stepped out into sunlight.

"All right, team! Find yourself a spot and get cleaning!" She called out.

The Dauntless scattered. Within minutes, word spread through the other four factions that the Dauntless were getting together to clean up the city. Abnegation joined almost immediately, using their cleaning supplies that had been stored up seemingly for months to help wash the roads, windows, and even the buildings. Everything was covered in a layer of grime, and it all had to go. Now.

The Candor formed a bucket line and were handing clean buckets of water to the Abnegation who then distributed them throughout the area. Empty buckets where then handed back down the Candor bucket line and the cycle began anew.

Amity joined in next. They came with all of the cleaning supplies they could bring with them. As time went on, the streets began to shine with new light. Tris didn't know how it was possible, but somehow, they had made concrete shimmer like polished marble.

"That detergent is some powerful stuff." Tobias commented. He was the only one without a mop or broom.

"Tobias!" Tris cried. "Why aren't you helping?"

"Because I hate cleaning?"

Eric suddenly popped out, seemingly out of the concrete itself. "Well then, I have a better idea! Shall he be our mascot, Tris?"

Tris grinned and nodded. "Yes! Mascot! Definitely!"

Eric grinned evilly just before he pulled out an electric razor. Tobias's eyes widened in horror just before he booked it.

"GET BACK HERE, FOUR!" Eric roared, pursuing his ex friend with the weapon.

"NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Tobias cried, trying to escape the wrath of the electric razor. If that touched his head, he was doomed. Doomed!

Tobias's struggle to keep his hair went unnoticed by the cleaners, because at that moment, the Erudite walked in with their own weapons of cleaning power.

"Tris!" Jeanine said, adjusting her glasses. "I hope you'll appreciate Erudite help?"

"Of course!" Tris grinned. "The city needs to be cleaned after all!"

Jeanine smiled. "Roll out the secret weapons!"

At that moment, several Erudite turned around. Tris peered over their shoulders to see what was coming. Several machines with brooms on the front began sliding down the street. They were boxy in appearance and they appeared to be dumping water at a high volume.

"What are they?" Tris asked.

"Zamboni's!" Jeanine wiped a tear from her eye. "Beautiful piece of machinery! Only took twenty years to perfect!"

"Seems pretty simple to me."

"DO NOT MOCK THE POWER OF THE ZAMBONI!"

Tris turned on her heel and ran for it, not wanting to get in Jeanine's way. She was scary when she was angry.

"ERIC! NO!" Tobias cried as the razor scooped out another chunk of his hair. Eric laughed manically as he continued to wipe out every last strand of Tobias's dark hair. Satisfied at his work he laughed and dragged him over to Tris.

"What do you think, Tris?" Eric asked.

"Ooh! I like!" Tris clapped her hands. "And his name is?"

"Mr. Clean!" Eric said triumphantly, polishing his scalp with wax.

"I hate you both..." Tobias groaned.

A loud whirring sound cut through the air. Tris, Mr. Clean and Eric turned their heads to see Uriah buzzing along on a floor waxer, a grin on his face. In the wake of the machine, there was a trail of glinting, sparkling concrete that looked flawless and perfect.

"I love this thing!" Uriah cried happily. "Thank the Erudite for this!"

"It looks so pretty!" Tris cried, kneeling over the shiny area. "I can see myself!" She scratched a piece of dirt off her nose.

"HELL YEAH!"

A person whizzed right by Tris, almost taking her out. Zeke had just skidded by on the wax line, enjoying the slippery smear on the concrete.

"Having fun?" Tris laughed.

"Lots!" Zeke cried. "You should try it sometime! Very Dauntless!"

"I don't know what's so Dauntless about cleaning up a city, but okay." Mr. Clean muttered.

"Oh don't be such a party pooper!" Eric scolded. "You're ruining the fun!"

"What fun? Oh yeah, getting my head shaved? Being called 'Mr. Clean'? Yeah, totally fun Eric."

"Glad we see eye to eye!" Eric slapped him on the back. "Good man, Mr. Clean. Good man."

"YAHOOOO!"

Tris turned to see Tori bungee jump off a building so she could hang upside down and scrub the windows with a squeegee. Several other Dauntless did the same thing, slowly scrubbing the windows as they went upwards. Tris wasn't surprised to see Will and Christina among the mix. They all looked like they were having fun.

Tris grinned and trotted over to Al who was sweeping up a pile of glass.

"Hey Al! How are you doing?" Tris asked.

"Good I think." Al stared down at his pile of junk. "Don't know what I'm going to do with this though..."

"Pick it up I guess. The Dauntless are burning stuff that's useless."

Al grinned. "Sounds like fun." He swept up the junk into a dust pan and went searching for a bonfire. Tris followed him. She saw several Erudite and Dauntless standing around, ready to throw stuff in.

As if following some cue, they all chucked their junk into the fire. A second later, a massive plume of purple fire shot into the air and a cloud of dust shot outwards from the area, blowing all of the dirt from Al's dust pan.

"What the heck was that?" Tris cried.

To her surprise, Caleb stepped forward, holding up a small phial of purple liquid. "Fire Fluid." He said. "Developed by Erudite. It does crazy stuff."

"What if you put it in water?" Tris asked.

"It dissolves and then makes a bigger explosion when you drop it into the fire."

"Cool! Do it!"

Caleb grinned. "The thing is, once you dissolve it in water, it's hard to tell the difference between regular water, and Fire Fluid water."

"Ooh, I smell a prank coming on!"

Caleb laughed. "Hell yes." He dumped the entire phial in a bucket and walked away from it as it dissolved into the water.

Mr. Clean stepped forward, his bald head gleaming. "Okay guys really, if you're going to goof off, I'm going to put this fire out, right now!" He grabbed the bucket Caleb had just put the Fire Fluid in and dumped it straight onto the fire. The result was instantaneous. The fire shot twenty feet in the air in a massive mushroom cloud, and it singed Mr. Clean's eyebrows right off.

The group of Erudite and Dauntless burst out laughing at the stunned expression on Mr. Clean's face. It didn't help that the places where his eyebrows used to be were smouldering gently like a nearly dead fire.

"I'm done." Mr. Clean said darkly, turning and walking away, leaving the still burning fire behind.

"You know what?" Tris giggled.

"What?" Caleb asked, still sniggering.

"I love being Dauntless, but I also love having a brother in Erudite."

"I love you too, sis." Caleb grinned.

At that moment, something very strange began to happen. A shadow passed across the sun. At first everyone thought it was a cloud until they looked up. The object that had blocked out the sun was bottle shaped. At first, Tris thought someone had tossed a bottle of detergent in the air, but the object slowly began to get bigger.

"What is that?" Caleb asked.

"Not sure..." Tris muttered.

As the object got closer, it was clear that whatever it was, it was primarily white, and it bore a label, although nobody could make it out yet. Nobody ever thought that the massive thing was falling right towards them at breakneck speed.

"What the heck?" Someone screamed.

Tris's jaw dropped just as she read the word _Clorox_ and then it slammed into a building, spewing liquid in every direction. There was a massive explosion and a pure white fireball flew into the sky as the liquid splattered in all directions, toppling buildings and sending cars flying.

When it was all over, not a single colour remained in the city. Also missing were the people who were trying hard to clean the city of all grime and dirt.

And just then, a single, bleached white cockroach crawled out from beneath a rock to sun itself in the noon day sun.

.

.

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**A/N: Yeah I don't know.**

**The thing is, I don't normally write crack fiction, but yeah... yeah this kind of came to me .-. I think I'm going to write a second one based on the title of the second book XD no spoilers yet :3**

**Uh yeah...I still don't know XD Sorry if I left out any characters you wanted to see in here. I'm sure I could add them in easily if you want though XD**

**Thanks for reading this crack fiction XD yeah I still don't know XD**


End file.
